Fourth of July

I try not to think about my life with Gessner with regrets. There is nothing that I can do now to change how things happened and reliving my "mistakes" or "missteps" just hurts. But there are times when that is hard and today I find myself regretting that I didn't embrace his love of fireworks and the 4th more. For some reason Gessner loved the 4th and fireworks. I'm sure that there is not a person that knew him well as a child who does not have a story about him involving fireworks. On one of my first trips to Colorado with Gessner he and his friend Tim spent the evening shooting roman candles at each other. I was terrified. I also remember driving through Wyoming on our way back to college and stopping at a fireworks stand in the middle of winter. We always stopped when we went to South Carolina and he would spend more money buying explosives than I liked.

I remember one 4th we went to Virginia to visit his stepmom's family. He brought a bunch of "big" fireworks with him and we sweltered in the Virginia heat while we watched the guys set them off over the water. Another 4th we went to a concert in the park in Winston-Salem where the symphony played and then the grand fireworks were choreographed to the music. It was just Gess, his dad, and me and we melted in the heat and had to deal with people everywhere. It was okay. Still, I would have preferred to stay at home in my air-conditioned apartment, enjoying the semi-quiet.

After we moved to Seattle I started to be less amenable to 4th festivities. I am not sure why--I don't like fireworks, they scare me and I don't deal well with crowds. I was always so nervous and decided that it would be more fun for both of us if he went out with his friends alone. Now I wish that I would have shared those days with him or made more of a compromise since he loved them so much. But maybe it was best--he could have fun with his friends and set things on fire, and I could feel safe in the quiet of my own home. I don't know. This is why I try not to question the past. It happened the way it did and there's no way to change it. But today I feel particularly sad, knowing that he loved this holiday the most and he isn't here to celebrate it.

Picture taken by Gessner